yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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