i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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