you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
me + whiskey = a bad person
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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