i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
