I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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