hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
