Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
