It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
