She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
