My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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