Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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