He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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