i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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