guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
