The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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