just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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