i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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