Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize