He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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