I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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