when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
