it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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