Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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