How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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