hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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