i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
