The maid of honor just puked.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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