She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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