he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
