I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
