Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
