We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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