ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
