Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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