Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
