Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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