just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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