if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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