just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who died my cat blue again?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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