An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
