Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
