Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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