Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
