i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
