dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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