White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
