i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
