you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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