im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
