I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
