I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
