You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
