i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
