God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
