Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
