he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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