The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
