I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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